I remember I wanted to end it all. I wanted to quit engineering university after having to go through all the hard things I went through.
I was just tired of going out of my room.
Every moment spent outside it made me sick. Every phone call from friends was too overwhelming for me.
All I wanted was to end it all.
When I was diagnosed with clinical depression on my fourth year in engineering school, all the answers to why I was always having these depressing thoughts came to me.
I often found myself hopeless in most cases. Even when things seemed okay, I always had these depressing thoughts that things weren’t what they seem to be.
I wasn’t happy. My family always tried to be supportive of my academics and my classmates in engineering were always cheering me up, but I often found myself sad because of the thoughts in my head.
I succumbed to illegal drugs just to feel something else. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to make my mother think that I was happy even when it hurts so bad.
Every night, I kept crying because I felt like a huge disappointment to everyone.
Once, I met up with this girl who felt the same way like I did. We were talking about life in general after class. I remember smoking with her that time. Things felt light by then.
We were serious about our discussion until she started playing this one song.
It triggered too many emotions that I suddenly broke down and cried. It felt embarrassing to have my friend see me cry.
To her, I was the bad guy who never cared about what other people thought of me. When she saw me cry, I was embarrassed to let her see what I was really feeling.
Days passed since that day, I no longer went out of my room.
The only people I allowed to visit me in my room was my mom and my girlfriend. My engineering professors called my mom to check up on me.
My mom explained that I would have to file a leave of absence.
My depression was becoming worse than I thought.
The meds I took weren’t working. All I wanted was to end it all.
To anyone reading this, I hope you know how real depression is.
If you think someone suffering from clinical depression is just sad, know that it is more than just being sad.
Every day, I wake up with thoughts of ending things – that things were hopeless. Like a power drill without a cord.
Know that life will always be a struggle for us. I may be far from getting better but I am willing to fight this problem.
I will get help and I hope to go back to school once I overcome depression.
The story of my life: Engineering university sucks but you have to move on.